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Rad Pro Wrasslin’ “Kiss from a Rose”
12/31/24 4pm
We’re at Rad Pro today. It’s the 90’s again! It’s new year’s eveternoon! For the uninitiated, Rad Pro is one of a few spiritual successors to Chikara, where all the characters are played by other established indie talents. The show opens and We’re dropping the Times Square ball for 1996! 96! 96! 96!
Match 1: Lynx Panther (Milo Mira) vs Lux Virgo (DJ Powers) w/ Ms Denise
Lynx pogo sticks to the ring! Virgo is taking his time and the crowd doesn’t like his little victory lap. Lynx with a pogo powered dive into Powers! Lynx stuns himself with a Running shooting star and Lux takes over with some hard shots to the back. Lynx tries to reverse a suplex but his back gives out. Lynx trying to get the pogo stick into the ring but Lux stuns him with a big boot. Suplex him into the ring. Huge top rope splash gives Virgo the win.
As Lynx peels himself off the mat, a man who looks suspiciously like Bryce Donovan attacks, hitting a black hole slam and choking Lynx with the pogo stick. Is this a new member of the roster or has a WWE ID prospect managed to unlock time travel??? Here, anything is possible.
Starla Maedean Crabtree is out here to sing us her smash hit “Bud Light at Church”. But she’s got a new song for her opponent tonight, Rika. Unsurprisingly, Rika’s music cuts this off.
Match 2: Starla Maedean Crabtree (B3CCA) vs Rika Kurigaki (Spike Nishamura)
Bell rings, they lock up, Starla’s wig comes right off. She’s a PHONY??? Starla sent to the floor and Rika shows off her muscles. Starla thinks she can do a push up…but nah. She rips at Rika’s hair. She staggers her with a do si do…hard lariat for two! Starla rides her like a pony. This is VERY country. Rika rallies back. Dropkicks in bunches! Literally ten of them. Crabtree won’t stay down. Crabtree accidentally blasts the ref! Crabtree gets a visual ten count but the ref is DOA. Crabtree grabs her guitar. Rika dodges! Pump kick knocks Crabtree out and the ref recovers just in time to count the three!
Match 3: Blue Suede (Fresh Air) vs Lord Shreddz (Miracle Generation)
In any other promotion, this could be for the IWTV tag titles. But this Rad Pro and THIS tag match is basically the Blues Brothers vs some Skate Punks. Love it. Lord Shreddz are absolutely wrestling in heelies and skates. Despite this, Blue Suede heels it up. The Kingly looking Shreddlord with a skate stomp into the back! The Flashy one heelies around the ring, delivering lariats until the junior suede man throws a jacket in his face and the lord goes crashing into the entry way. With one opponent still standing, blue suede shuffles and stomps out who’s left. They strip his skates! That might have been a favor! Tag to the flashy one! He hits the ropes a million times and lands a plank splash for two! He avoids a double team from blue suede! Both teams in the ring, Lord Shreddz gets the win on a high angle press splash!
Match 4: Roberta Gingersnap (Little Mean Kathleen) vs Katrina Montibello (Liviyah)
The very aged Gingersnap needs a smoke but we can’t even vape in this building so she ain’t lighting up. She is also probably not playing Keno. Montibello slaps the cig from her hand. She’s gonna have her way with granny? She steals her purse but Roberta grabs her by the ear. That’s how you discipline children. She offers a peppermint…that’s not in Katrina’s rider. By the way, Katrina is a movie star. She unloads on her elderly opponent. Roberta tries a kip up? Not at HER age! Katrina takes all of Roberta’s pill for the week. They get into a test of strength, and Roberta submits due to arthritis. Amazing.
Match 5: “the Shindie God” Bob Furio (Ben Bishop) vs “The Law” Lawrence Carpenter (Smart Mark Sterling)
Furio makes sure to plug his overpriced merch table specials. Furio complaining about literally everything Carpenter does…which is fair because The Law is blatantly cheating. Furio just quits the contest but Law chases him down and lets fans get all sorts of FREE PHOTO OPS with Bob. Bob gets a t shirt and makes his money back on a sale in the crowd. This is as goofy as it sounds. Carpenter trying to get something going but Furio is huge and wrestling fairly isn’t really going well. The Shindie God trying to give the old promoters handshake….Law almost passed out! Carpenter is hulking up! Big boot to the midsection! Second rope dusty elbow! He slams the giant! Carpenter’s back gives out as the crowd jeering chants “this is awful”. As they get up, they both realize they’ve already been paid…so why are they fighting?!? They both drop to the canvas and drape an arm over the other for the double pin draw. This was ridiculous.
Match 6: CJ Cruzz (Mortar) vs Lunk Binkus (TJ Crawford)
Lunk is a fitness hunk but CJ might have more energy going into this. But Lunk has THREE fitness challenges. 10 rope hits, 15 squats, 20 pushups! Can EITHER of them do this spartan regime?!? CJ doesn’t know how to do any of these exercises though so he asks Lunk to go first. Is it a ruse? No! Cruzz is doubling everything that Lunk does with ease. And it’s with ease that he hits a F5 and pins an exhausted Lunk Binkus before doing even more pushups. Awesome!
Match 7: Klaire (Paris Van Dale) vs The Lovetts (Steve & Pam w/ all their kids)
Klaire is a Mansonite metal kid. It’s the 90’s. The Lovetts family gimmick is easily one of the most unique things I’ve seen in wrestling. Pam keeps having to leave the ring to scold the kids. Klaire trying to get in on the scolding but Pam goes straight Mama Bear on this, tags in and beats on Klaire. Of course, both parents have to work together to gain control of this brood and Klaire is using this distraction to her advantage. The kids are tired of being scolded, one of them tags Klaire and almost pins her mom!!! The ref has lost control! The kid pulls an Eddie Guerrero spot on her parents?!?! Rebellious child! One of the other kids runs in and hits a Thez press on her sister! They roll out of the ring as Klaire hits a face buster on Pam for the win!
Lux Virgo and a posse hit the ring to attack the Lovetts. He goes to spoil Christmas for the kids but Santa Claus comes out! Lux says he’s not real! Well, he’s not. Santa is Boxbar Dennis (SLADE)!!!!! He starts dropping Lux with chokeslams as the rest of his posse runs off! Boxcar puts the Santa hat back on to take a picture with the whole family! And then he chokeslams Lux again. Merry Christmas! Virgo cannot stand after this and keeps faceplantinfnas he tries to get out of the ring.
Main Event: Anjou (Ricky Smokes) vs Angelo Intellect ‘95 (Channing Thomas)(c) (for the Rad Pro Championship)
It is worth noting that Wally Dangus (Sidney Bakabella) is NOT here tonight and is instead operating the champ’s fighting software live via satellite. Yes, Angelo is a robot. There may be a lag in the satellite, as Angelo freezes up at the bell. Anjou exploiting this weakness in the connection, pummels the champ and sends it to the floor. Angelo is able to utter his “PUNISH” command but Anjou is moving with way less latency. Is Angelo experiencing a glitch? His eyepoke protocol seems to be functioning and Anjou is sent to the floor. Top rope eye rake? Working as intended. Anjou trying to fire back up but Angelo is in full PUNISH mode. Anjou lands a clothesline that drops the champ but Angelo returns fire with a drop kick. Anjou bounces out of the corner with another clothesline! That latency is back and Angelo is much slower to respond to Anjou’s attacks. A running kick in the corner almost seals the deal. Kick out! Angelo is going into overdrive…huge suplex for two! Angelo tries for a piledriver…but that’s ILLEGAL! Anjou tries a roll up! A leg lariat connects! Angelo kicks out! Wally Dangus must be close to throwing his controller! Angelo blocks a tornado ddt and deposits Anjou groin first into the top rope! A stretch muffler variant gets the tap. 1996 is still the year of Angelo Intellect ‘95!
I miss total goofball alt-universe shows like this. This was a blast.
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